Gordon's Rules for New Year's Resolutions

Why are we so chronically dissatisfied that we have to make resolutions year after year? Because we suck, that's why. We are all fat, lazy, too controlling, not assertive enough. We all need to pay off our credit card, get a cheaper apartment, buy a house, get a better job, get a girlfriend, get rid of our girlfriend, at least run the half-marathon, read a book a week, learn Spanish, stop partying so much, be tidier, go to church, get a gym membership, stop taking shit from people, dress better, go back to school, try Atkins and stop stealing our sister's underwear. Am I right? Who's with me?

For the past 10 years, I have set down on paper the things that I wanted to accomplish in the coming year. Every year, just like everyone else, I get arrested for public intoxication. So, I don't know how to keep resolutions, but I sure as hell know how to make them. Here are my rules for success.

1) Don't set the goals too high. Instead of "Learn Spanish," why not just "Learn the word mota?" It's easier and more practical. Wade into it. Don't just go right out and run the White Rock Marathon. Take the stairs in the parking garage first. Here's another idea. Rather than "Lose 20 pounds," why not "Criticize everyone else for being image-conscious?"

2) Don't make specific goals. Specific resolutions are a sure recipe for failure. If you are resolved to "Read a book a week," then you have an objective criterion by which to fail. Instead, resolve to "Look around at stuff." Rather than "Pay off credit cards," resolve to "Not buy some companies."

3) Put some easy ones in there to give yourself a sense of progress. This is a no-brainer. If you have already checked off a couple of things on your list by February, you are more likely to stay on track for the rest of the year. Make them easy things that you are probably going to accomplish anyway, like "Take at least one dump a week." Or "Notice construction." Or "Respond to light." Trust me. It works. So, if you are like me and are "Breathing regularly," you soon will enjoy feeling that sense of "follow-through" that is so important in today's bi-curious community.

I hope these help. And I hope that this little insert goes a long way in helping you achieve the ultimate. But then again, I say that to all the ladies.